The Art of Storytelling
Mar. 3rd, 2011 09:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eirana_reganTitle: The Art of Storytelling
Summary: Adam tells Kris a story about true love.
Pairings: Kradam
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5K
Disclaimer: It’s fiction.
Notes: Originally done as a fill for this prompt. This story was emotionally draining to write. I stopped it where I did because I just couldn’t get myself back into the right mindset. However, that does not mean I’m ruling out a continuation. It might happen, it might not.
Warnings: This might make you cry. A lot.
Originally posted 7/21/09
~*~
Fact: Kris Allen is a very affectionate person.
This is well-known to everyone on the Idol tour. Kris has a big heart, and his love for everyone and everything around him is apparent to all. He thinks nothing of throwing a casual arm around someone or grabbing them in a tight hug. People who meet him are wary of it at first, but he's so adorably sincere that pretty much everyone gets used to Kris' level of affection.
Fact: Kris Allen is affectionate, but even more so with Adam.
This fact isn't as well-known, at least not to the general public, but most people pick up on it if they spend a prolonged amount of time in Adam and Kris' presence. They have an eerie amount of intimacy between them. Witnessing them when they think they're alone feels like an intrusion, as if you're seeing something too fragile for the world's eyes; there are no barriers between them.
Kris thinks nothing of leaning his head on Adam's shoulder when he's tired, of burrowing deeper into his chest when they hug. Adam doesn't give it a second thought when he leaves kisses on Kris' forehead, the same way he does to other close friends.
It had started when they were room mates.
The nights were long and charged with anxiety, the constant question of "who next?" plaguing everyone's minds. In the midst of all the chaos, Kris had found serenity in Adam. Despite how different they sounded on paper, they'd connected instantly. Over the weeks, that closeness translated into late night talks with Adam pressed against Kris' back, the soothing sound of Adam's voice lulling him to sleep.
When the tour came, those late night talks had to disappear, cuddling and all.
But the thing is, Kris misses those nights. The tour is great, the tour is freaking kick-awesome, but he feels so tired. Kris is worn out from the constant shows and the lack of sleep and never getting a chance to breathe.
He needs some peace; he needs Adam. Which is why later that night, Kris climbs up to Adam's bunk and slides the curtain open.
"Adam?" he whispers.
Thankfully, Adam's still awake, but barely. He looks like he could close his eyes any second now. His gaze clears a little, focusing on Kris.
"Kris? What are you still doing awake?"
He hadn't thought it out this far. All Kris knows is that he feels weary, and it's the sort of bone-deep weariness that only Adam can soothe away.
"I couldn't sleep," Kris chokes out, worrying at his bottom lip.
"So you thought you'd come bother those of us who could?"
"No!" Kris looks to one of the other bunks when a sudden snore erupts; he lowers his voice. "I was wondering, if maybe, you wouldn't mind if I..." His voice trails off, his nerve leaving him. Kris doesn't know why he went up here in the first place. It sounds stupid and Adam will probably tell him to go sleep in his own bunk, he's not Kris' human teddy bear or anything like that-
"Kris? I know people say we can read each other's minds, but that doesn't mean it's true. Tell me what's wrong."
But he can't tell Adam what's wrong because as exhausted as he is, he doesn't want to admit that he wants to drift off to sleep with Adam's arms around him, feeling safe and loved, like he doesn't have a care in the world. That would make it sound like he loves Adam in away that he doesn't; he can't.
"Forget it; it's nothing." He's about to climb down when Adam's arm shoots out to grab his shoulder.
"Don't lie to me. I can see something's bothering you. Tell me what it is, honey."
"You'll laugh at me."
Adam smiles at him, wide and genuine, not the smile he puts on for the media, but a true, honest Adam smile. It's tinged with sleep, but that doesn't take away from its brilliance. "No, I won't. You can tell me anything, Kris; you know that."
"Can I sleep here tonight?"
The smile dims, disbelief overtaking the tenderness. "What? Kris, why are you asking- Why are you even- What?"
Kris feels the blush spread across his face, the heat overwhelming. "I told you, it's stupid. I'm going to go sleep. Night, Adam."
"Wait, Kris, you can't just leave." Adam bites his lip, face scrunched up in thought. "Come on, lie down."
"What?"
"We need to talk, and we're not going to while you're out there. Come in here and let's talk this out."
"Adam-"
"Kris, shut up and get in here already."
With a heavy sigh, Kris wriggles his way in. The two of them shift until they're mostly comfortable, Kris draped across Adam's body, pressed together tightly in the cramped space. He can already feel the tension leaving his body, just from Adam holding him the way he used to; it's relaxing.
"Don't you dare fall asleep. You're not off the hook yet."
"I said I couldn't sleep."
"So you came to me?"
"It always worked before." Kris looked up at him. "Tell me a story. Like you used to when we were in the mansion."
"Kris-"
"Please?" He decides to throw caution to the wind and tell Adam everything. "I need this. I missed you. I missed this." He huddles even closer to Adam, breathing him in.
"I've missed you too." A familiar touch, Adam brushing a kiss against the top of his head. "But you know we can't exactly do this every night anymore. People are going to say something."
Kris snorts. "Like half of the world doesn't think we're screwing already. I need this. I can't sleep without you. It's all moving so fast. You're the only thing that makes me feel like I can stop and just live in the moment; stop worrying about what I have to get done next and breathe."
Adam's arms tighten around him. "I know what you mean. I miss talking to you like this, holding you. It just feels-"
"Right," Kris finishes for him.
They don't speak for a long time, and Adam starts to think Kris has finally fallen asleep when he whispers, "Tell me a story. Please?"
“What about? You’ve heard all the stories I know and all the ones I don’t. There’s very little I haven’t told you.”
“Then make one up. And give it a happy ending.”
“Kris.” A soft sigh, fondness and exasperation mixed together. “Always the idealist.”
“Shut up and tell me my story, Lambert.”
He chuckles. “As you wish.”
~*~
This is how story time makes its triumphant return to Kris and Adam’s nightly rituals. No one else on the bus mentions how conspicuously empty Kris’ bunk is nowadays, or how Adam and Kris always seem to wake up at the same time. If it bothers anyone, they don’t mention it because everyone can see how much more relaxed both of them seem, and no one wants to ruin the peace that’s come over them lately; it’s nice.
It’s nice until they’re at a hotel, curled up together in bed, and Kris makes what seems like an innocent request.
“Tell me a story about love.”
He can feel Adam tense beneath him. “What?”
It’s too close. Too close to a subject they both dance around, because it’s easier to joke and make light of it than to discuss it. It’s easier to pretend it’s no big deal rather than a looming question that hangs over the two of them, always lingering in the air around them but never acknowledged.
“Please?”
Kris is looking up at him with big brown eyes and Adam knows he’s going to give in. He’s always found it hard to deny Kris anything.
“A story about love, hmm?”
“You’re stalling.”
“I’m thinking,” Adam corrects, pursing his lips in concentration. “You gave me too broad of a topic.”
“Then let’s narrow it down to true love.”
“Oh, that makes it so much easier.”
He pinches Adam’s side. “Stop teasing me. Love has too many different categories to break down into. A story about true love, the kind that only comes once in a lifetime, that narrows it down. A lot of people look for true love. Only some find it.”
Too close.
“Are you having a philosophical moment?” The tone’s light and airy, but Kris can feel the tension that’s settled into Adam’s body.
“Maybe?” Kris mumbles, burying his face in Adam’s chest.
“Don’t get all shy on me; I didn’t say it was a bad thing.” A hand tilts his chin up until they’re eye-to-eye. “I’ll tell you a story about finding true love.”
Sometimes, Kris thinks he loves this part more than the actual story. The part before Adam even says anything, when he’s letting the story take shape in his mind. Adam always gets caught up in the story, letting it weave its spell not just on Kris, but himself as well. It entrances him every time.
“Once upon a time, there was a boy. For a long time, he was seen as an outcast, shunned by all others. He kept searching for someone who would take him as he was, but no one wanted him. So he changed. He shed the garments of his old self and donned a new mask. It was still himself, but different. The new him was tougher, less idealistic. Less fragile. And the new him was thought of as beautiful. Where before there had only been empty shadows, there were suddenly masses of people who adored him, constantly vying for his attention.
“Yet he still felt empty. Where had these people been when he was lost and lonely? Where was their supposed love then? Despite the praise he was now receiving, he didn’t feel loved. None of these people would love him if they saw how he truly was. He was still searching for that one person.
“One day, he found them. The boy had almost given up on love by then, but this other boy, this beautiful brown-eyed boy, gave him hope. This boy accepted him without question and made him feel loved. He was kind and generous and unbelievably beautiful. So very beautiful.”
His eyes are locked on Kris’, intense and searching, as Adam’s hand brushes his cheek. He can’t contain the shiver it elicits. The movement makes Adam withdraw his hand, his eyes losing their warmth.
“But the brown-eyed boy wasn’t his to have. He belonged to another. No matter how much they yearned for each other, they both knew it couldn’t be. Not with the way things were. They clung to each other for as long as they could, but eventually, they had to let go.”
They don’t speak for a long time. The silence is charged with questions, but Kris doesn’t think any of them are the right ones to ask. Adam finally breaks it, voice soft and resigned.
“That’s how the story ends, Kris. Even if you find true love, you don’t always get to keep it.”
Kris’ hand finds his, intertwining their fingers. “Do you really believe that?”
Adam brings their joined hands up to his lips, brushing a kiss against Kris’ knuckles. “You can find that someone, and some people are lucky enough to spend the rest of their lives with that person.” He releases his hand from Kris’ grip, smiling sadly. “But most of the time, you don’t get to keep them; they don’t stay with you. Even if you want them to.”
“Adam…”
Before he can think of anything more to say, Adam turns away, his back facing Kris.
“Go to sleep, Kris.”
This is how story time makes its quiet departure from Kris and Adam’s nightly rituals.
~*~
Just as before, everyone notices the change but they don’t mention it. It’s not just the stress getting to everyone, it’s also the tension that’s higher than ever. Adam is irritable and short-tempered, Kris dazed and inattentive. Neither of them are pleasant company; it’s driving everyone insane. The rest of them decide to send Allison in to do damage control.
She gets nowhere with Adam. He simply gives her that smile that means “I love you little sis, but this isn’t something I can tell you” and distracts her with small talk. That smile also means “it’s too painful.”
Kris is the same way. He won’t tell her anything either, skirting around the topic of Adam, no matter how subtle, or unsubtle, an approach Allison attempts.
She’s been at them both for a few days, and the tour’s end is looming in the distance. If she doesn’t get them to fix things, the ending will only be bitter rather than bittersweet.
Finally, she snaps. Unfortunately for Kris, he’s the one she’s talking to at the time.
“Okay, you know what? Fuck this shit. I am done! I get that I’m the one closest to the two of you, but I can’t take it anymore. It’s like talking to two incredibly stupid brick walls!”
“Allison?”
She plops down on the couch next to him, head in her hands. “Everyone can see something’s wrong in Kradamland. They asked me to talk to the two of you to see if I could help you guys fix things, but the two of you are being so damn stubborn and close-mouthed about it that I can’t do shit; I feel so helpless. Something’s wrong with my big brothers and I can’t do anything to help you.”
Kris is pulling her into a hug, and, oh, the irony of him soothing her when he’s the one she’s supposed to be comforting.
“It’s nothing to do with you, Alli. It’s between me and him okay? I love you and so does he, but right now, we’re…having some issues.”
She giggles. “I feel like you’re preparing me for the news that you and Adam are getting a divorce.”
“I was hoping we could tell you together, but since you brought it up,” Kris deadpans, a smile starting to spread across his face.
“This is the first time I’ve seen you smile in a while. I like you better this way. I like Adam better when he’s not pretending to be okay because he doesn’t want me to know how badly he’s hurting.” She kisses his cheek, getting up from the couch and making her way to the door. Allison stops in the doorway, looking back at Kris. “I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you, but I hope you can fix it.”
All he can do is hope for the same thing.
~*~
The clock says 2:13AM.
That gives him four hours, five tops, if he falls asleep right now. His insomnia has returned, worse than ever. Kris stares at the ceiling and feels like the bed is too big for one person.
He needs Adam, but Adam’s still avoiding him.
Ever since he’d asked Adam to tell him a love story, he’d stopped touching Kris the way he used to, all little acts of affection evaporating in the wake of this not-so-new discovery.
Adam loves him and he loves Adam.
What he means when he says that, he’s not entirely sure. He knows what he and Adam have is special, if not exactly definable; labels just confuse everything.
And Kris is very, very confused.
And, oh yeah, he still can’t sleep.
He pulls a pillow on top of his head, using it to muffle his groan. He just wants to sleep and for everything to stop being so damn complicated.
“Kris?”
Great, now he’s hallucinating.
“Kris?”
And hearing loud pounding.
“Kris, open the damn door!”
He stumbles out of bed, opening the door without checking to see who it is. He doesn’t need to; he recognizes Adam’s voice.
Adam looks as bad as Kris thinks he does. While losing sleep had made Kris space out more than usual, it’d made Adam quicker to lash out at people. He looks tired and angry, and Kris just wants to hug him until he stops looking so stressed out and manic.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Kris asks him, managing a smile.
Adam’s looking at him as if he can’t believe Kris is even real. Before he knows what’s happening, Adam is backing him into the room, shutting the door behind him. His knees hit the edge of the bed hard and he sits down, staring up at Adam.
He looks so lost.
Kris’ hand reaches for his, pulling him close until he can lay his head against Adam’s stomach. “I need you.”
He feels Adam’s fingers combing through his hair. “I know.”
Adam’s tugging him back onto his feet and enveloping him in his arms. All the tension that’s built up in the last few days suddenly seems like too much and he’s crying. He’s sobbing into Adam’s chest because being in his arms feels like coming home, and it shouldn’t.
“Oh, Kris, honey, don’t cry. Please don’t cry. I’m here. I’m here and I’m so sorry. I know this hurts you, too. I know it does. But this is all we can have. This is all we can be.”
They’re both crying now, clinging to each other for dear life. Because they know this can’t be anything right now, maybe not ever.
“Why does this have to hurt?”
“Because that’s how life is, Kris. It’s beautiful and terrible all at once.” He cups Kris’ face in his hands until their gazes meet. “Life can lead you to true love and then take it away from you.”
“I don’t want life to take you away from me.”
They both don’t mention her, the woman who’s supposed to be Kris’ true love; the ring on his finger says so.
He tries to pull away from Kris’ hold, but it only makes him tighten his grip on Adam’s waist.
“Stay.”
He does.
~*~
Everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief when they go back to how they were before. Kris and Adam, Adam and Kris, unbelievably close and easily affectionate.
They look the same, they act the same, but there’s something different. It’s not something obvious, most people miss it entirely, but Allison’s always been more attuned to their behavior.
There’s this desperate edge to their interactions now.
The thing is, she knows there’s something special between them. No one can miss the connection they have to each other. The nature of that connection, however, is something no one really agrees on.
People throw around wild theories, but no one really knows what’s going on.
She watches Kris lean his head on Adam’s shoulder, looking more than a little heartbroken. Adam gives him a sad smile, gently kissing Kris’ forehead, pulling him closer to his side.
Allison’s starting to think Adam and Kris don’t know any better than the rest of them.
~*~
The end of the tour keeps getting closer.
It’s easy to forget how fast time is running out for them when they’re in the dark, curled up together, lost in their own little world. They spend their nights talking until they fall asleep, wrapped in each other’s arms.
Adam doesn’t tell any stories and Kris doesn’t ask him to.
Before they know it, it’s the last night, the last concert.
They’re all going their separate ways, this chapter of their lives over. The tour has ended and they have to move on. Move on to what, no one really knows. Fame or obscurity, recording contracts or regular life. Whatever happens when they all part ways, they know that this summer was unforgettable. But they’ll go on with their lives. This experience will soon be another memory, and so will the people they met.
Kris doesn’t want Adam to be only a memory.
He’s dreading the morning because it means saying goodbye. To the tour, to the rest of the Top 10.
To Adam.
They both know it’ll be goodbye. Neither of them want it to be, but they have to let go, because right now, too much is banking on the success of their albums. Too much is weighing on how well their career goes. They’ve both spent too long and worked too hard to lose it now.
Even for each other.
Neither of them are naïve enough to believe that they’d survive the inevitable backlash if anything happened between them now; the world’s too unforgiving for the possibility of ready acceptance to be anything more than a dream.
But Kris wants to know what it’s like to have Adam, to have his heart.
To be completely and utterly his.
He wants to know what it could have been like, if things had been different.
The thought stays with him for days, plaguing his mind constantly. The unknowns keep following Kris until it’s all he can think about. He almost asks Adam several times, but he always bites it back at the last second; he knows Adam doesn’t want to talk about it.
Kris remembers the pain in Adam’s eyes whenever their eyes linger on each other too long and decides to obey his wishes; he never wants to hurt Adam.
But when he settles into Adam’s arms with the staggering realization that this is the last time, the words slip out.
“How would you make love to me?”
He hadn’t meant to just blurt it out like that, but subtlety has never been Kris’ forte, and the want is driving him to what feels like madness. He feels like nothing makes sense anymore.
Nothing but Adam.
Adam is the only thing that feels real, that feels tangible.
It’s flirting with danger. The only thing he’s doing by asking Adam that question is reminding them both of what they can’t have; what they won’t allow themselves to have.
As soon as the words register, Adam recoils from him as if he’s been burned. Kris understands the reaction, but it still stings. He knows Adam can see that too; can read the anguish and the desperation and the overwhelming need in his eyes.
“What the fuck, Kris?”
“Adam…” He tentatively reaches a hand towards him but it only makes Adam scoot further away from him.
“No, Kris, no. I don’t know what you were thinking, but stop it. Just stop it.”
It’s starting to spiral out of control, this precarious balance they have between them. Kris can see it starting to shake under the pressure. It continues to tremble as Adam gets off the bed, making his way to the door that connects their rooms together. He’s not even looking back at Kris, eyes firmly fixed on the door. On escape.
He’s opening the door and Kris knows he’ll lock it behind him, lock Kris away. Adam’s going to lock that door and pretend this never happened. This is going to be the last memory Kris has of him: running away from whatever this is between them, shoulders tight with anger and confusion.
He can’t let it end like this.
“Please.”
He sounds pathetic. He sounds weak and pitiful, but it makes Adam stop in the doorway. Kris hears him take a deep, shuddery breath.
“Why?”
Adam still isn’t looking at him, but at least he’s stopped moving.
“I don’t know.”
He cuts Kris off with a harsh laugh. Kris has rarely heard that laugh in all the time he’s known Adam. After the pictures leaked, after Allison got sent home. It’s never a good thing when that laugh leaves his lips. It’s an ugly sound, so incongruous with the Adam he knows and loves.
“You don’t know? You fucked up the last night we had together and you don’t even know why? That’s great, Kris. That’s fan-fucking-tastic.”
“Please don’t do this.”
“Fuck, Kris.” He watches Adam’s hand clench on the doorknob. “This was only working because we weren’t thinking about it. I can’t do this, Kris, I can’t. Don’t ask me to think about something we both know can’t happen.”
Adam starts when warm arms wrap around his waist, a small body fitting itself against his back. Kris always fit perfectly against him.
“I know it was stupid. I know I’m only making this worse. But please don’t leave. Please. Don’t make this the last thing I’ll have to remember you by. I don’t care if you never talk to me again after tonight, but don’t make my last memory of you a painful one.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” Adam turns in Kris’ hold, gripping him in a tight hug. “This doesn’t have to be goodbye.”
“I thought I was the idealist.”
“It doesn’t. We can still be friends, Kris. We can still be in each other’s lives.”
“Really? Do you honestly think that at some point, it wouldn’t be too much? That we wouldn’t lose control?”
“We haven’t yet.”
Kris scoffs. “I asked you how you’d screw me. I think that counts as losing control.”
“I was hoping you’d forgotten about that.”
“Well, I didn’t.” Kris wriggles out of Adam’s arms, putting some space between them. “We can’t keep dancing around the subject forever, Adam. We’re in love. Somehow, somewhere, in the middle of all this insanity, we fell in love.”
“How do you know it’s love?”
“Don’t lie to me. I know you’re trying to protect me, protect yourself, but this isn’t the time for that. We’re too far gone for salvation.”
Kris doesn’t know where he found the nerve to do it, but he’s kissing Adam. His hands find their way to Adam’s face, pulling him close until their lips meet for a brief moment. It’s short and chaste, but it makes him feel more vulnerable and alive than any other kiss he’s ever had.
Their eyes fall shut, and when Kris finally finds the strength to open his, Adam is staring at him in a way he hasn’t before; he looks broken.
“God, Kris, I can’t do this. Don’t make me.”
Kris is closing the gap between them again, this time just to hold him close. Adam’s trembling. Kris is starting to regret pushing this. Maybe Adam’s right. It’s better if they don’t talk about this; it's too dangerous.
“I’m so sorry, Adam.”
Too painful.
Kris feels Adam’s tears seep into his neck, tracing their way from his face to Kris’.
Too heartbreaking.
“It’s too much, baby. It’s easier not to face this. I’m not brave enough for that.”
“You’re one of the bravest people I know.”
A brittle laugh. “Then you must know a lot of cowards.”
“Don’t say that! You’re fearless.”
“More like I’m good at acting like I am.” He pulls away from Kris, making his way into his mostly untouched hotel room. “I’m only fearless when it comes to the music, Kristopher. When it comes to my heart, I’m far less daring.”
“Adam-”
“I don’t want to get my heart broken again, Kris, and that’s where this is heading: heartbreak. If we did anything, after everything’s said and done, you get to go home to your wife and forget all about me. I don’t have anyone to go home to.”
Adam’s collapsed onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. Kris is lingering in the doorway, watching him from across the room.
“You have Drake.”
“You know that isn’t serious. That’s nothing like what you have. You have something permanent. You get to leave me and still have someone. This isn’t fair to me, Kris. Or to Katy.”
“I know,” he whispers, voice hoarse and raw, “that this isn’t fair to anyone. She’s all I’ve ever known, Adam. She’s been there almost my entire life. I don’t know anything else.”
Adam’s hands find their way to his eyes, tears retracing earlier paths on his face. “I don’t need to hear this.”
He can feel the bed shifting under Kris’ weight. He moves his hand away from his face and Kris is sitting right there, watching him. His fingers trace the tear tracks on Adam’s cheeks.
“Let me finish. I thought I loved her. I mean, I do love her. But it’s nothing like the way I love you. And if what I feel for you isn’t what being in love is supposed to be, then I don’t know what is.”
“If you can define it, it isn’t love.”
“Don’t quote yourself at me. I never said I could define it. I just said that if this feeling - this wonderful, terrible, crazy feeling - isn’t love, then nothing is.”
Adam doesn’t say anything, just watches Kris with wary eyes.
“I know this isn’t fair to anyone. I know I could screw everything up if I keep pushing this. But this is the last time we’re going to be stuck in the Idol bubble. After this, we have to face reality, or whatever the equivalent of that is now. I don’t want to leave without knowing what we could have been.” Kris lies down, putting his weight on his right arm as he hovers over Adam. “Even if it’s just this once.”
Adam’s eyes flutter shut and Kris moves in, so close to kissing him again, when they pop back open.
“No.”
Kris’ mouth moves into a hard line, but there’s understanding in his eyes. “Okay.” He gets up from the bed and starts walking towards the door.
He’s already starting to pull it closed when Adam jerks the door back open.
“You don’t even want to know why?”
“I don’t need any other reason than that this isn’t what you want. That’s good enough for me.”
Kris is looking at the floor instead of him so Adam cups his face in his hands, forcing their eyes to meet.
“I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything else in my entire life, and that includes a music career.”
“Then why are you pushing me away?”
“Because I don’t want to ruin things for you.”
Kris’ face scrunches up in confusion. “What?”
“If I let myself have you, I wouldn’t be able to stop at one time. I’d want to keep you forever, and I know I can’t.”
This time, it’s Adam who initiates the kiss and it’s the total opposite of their first in every way except for how it makes him feel. It’s rough and just this side of too much, Adam’s hands sliding into his hair, under his shirt, clutching at the soft skin beneath his fingers. One of his hands is on Kris’ hip and it makes him arch into Adam, muffling his moan with Adam’s mouth. They’re both gasping for air afterward; Kris’ lips feel tender and swollen.
“If things were different, I’d let you have me for forever.”
Adam leans his forehead against Kris’ and sighs softly. “If.”
They reluctantly pull away and Adam reaches for the doorknob, slowly moving the door closed. Neither of them say anything. They don’t need words; they never have. Their eyes lock, sharing a sad smile for all the maybes and almosts between them.
So many possibilities.
The door clicks shut and they both fall into a fitful sleep, on opposite sides of the door.
~*~
The next morning, it’s as if nothing has changed. They’re still Kris and Adam, Adam and Kris, unbelievably close and easily affectionate.
Except everything has changed.
It’s harder to ignore the feelings now than it was before, after having a taste of what it could be like. They store them away and pretend everything is fine.
But Kris is a terrible liar and Adam hates lying.
After singing at the Ford event, they mutually decide to keep their distance for a while.
It’s easier on both of them to forget.
But just because something is easy, it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. Watching Adam leave is like losing a part of himself.
He keeps telling himself that this is for the best. He keeps telling himself that it’s better this way.
Kris is a terrible liar.
End.
Summary: Adam tells Kris a story about true love.
Pairings: Kradam
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5K
Disclaimer: It’s fiction.
Notes: Originally done as a fill for this prompt. This story was emotionally draining to write. I stopped it where I did because I just couldn’t get myself back into the right mindset. However, that does not mean I’m ruling out a continuation. It might happen, it might not.
Warnings: This might make you cry. A lot.
Originally posted 7/21/09
~*~
Fact: Kris Allen is a very affectionate person.
This is well-known to everyone on the Idol tour. Kris has a big heart, and his love for everyone and everything around him is apparent to all. He thinks nothing of throwing a casual arm around someone or grabbing them in a tight hug. People who meet him are wary of it at first, but he's so adorably sincere that pretty much everyone gets used to Kris' level of affection.
Fact: Kris Allen is affectionate, but even more so with Adam.
This fact isn't as well-known, at least not to the general public, but most people pick up on it if they spend a prolonged amount of time in Adam and Kris' presence. They have an eerie amount of intimacy between them. Witnessing them when they think they're alone feels like an intrusion, as if you're seeing something too fragile for the world's eyes; there are no barriers between them.
Kris thinks nothing of leaning his head on Adam's shoulder when he's tired, of burrowing deeper into his chest when they hug. Adam doesn't give it a second thought when he leaves kisses on Kris' forehead, the same way he does to other close friends.
It had started when they were room mates.
The nights were long and charged with anxiety, the constant question of "who next?" plaguing everyone's minds. In the midst of all the chaos, Kris had found serenity in Adam. Despite how different they sounded on paper, they'd connected instantly. Over the weeks, that closeness translated into late night talks with Adam pressed against Kris' back, the soothing sound of Adam's voice lulling him to sleep.
When the tour came, those late night talks had to disappear, cuddling and all.
But the thing is, Kris misses those nights. The tour is great, the tour is freaking kick-awesome, but he feels so tired. Kris is worn out from the constant shows and the lack of sleep and never getting a chance to breathe.
He needs some peace; he needs Adam. Which is why later that night, Kris climbs up to Adam's bunk and slides the curtain open.
"Adam?" he whispers.
Thankfully, Adam's still awake, but barely. He looks like he could close his eyes any second now. His gaze clears a little, focusing on Kris.
"Kris? What are you still doing awake?"
He hadn't thought it out this far. All Kris knows is that he feels weary, and it's the sort of bone-deep weariness that only Adam can soothe away.
"I couldn't sleep," Kris chokes out, worrying at his bottom lip.
"So you thought you'd come bother those of us who could?"
"No!" Kris looks to one of the other bunks when a sudden snore erupts; he lowers his voice. "I was wondering, if maybe, you wouldn't mind if I..." His voice trails off, his nerve leaving him. Kris doesn't know why he went up here in the first place. It sounds stupid and Adam will probably tell him to go sleep in his own bunk, he's not Kris' human teddy bear or anything like that-
"Kris? I know people say we can read each other's minds, but that doesn't mean it's true. Tell me what's wrong."
But he can't tell Adam what's wrong because as exhausted as he is, he doesn't want to admit that he wants to drift off to sleep with Adam's arms around him, feeling safe and loved, like he doesn't have a care in the world. That would make it sound like he loves Adam in away that he doesn't; he can't.
"Forget it; it's nothing." He's about to climb down when Adam's arm shoots out to grab his shoulder.
"Don't lie to me. I can see something's bothering you. Tell me what it is, honey."
"You'll laugh at me."
Adam smiles at him, wide and genuine, not the smile he puts on for the media, but a true, honest Adam smile. It's tinged with sleep, but that doesn't take away from its brilliance. "No, I won't. You can tell me anything, Kris; you know that."
"Can I sleep here tonight?"
The smile dims, disbelief overtaking the tenderness. "What? Kris, why are you asking- Why are you even- What?"
Kris feels the blush spread across his face, the heat overwhelming. "I told you, it's stupid. I'm going to go sleep. Night, Adam."
"Wait, Kris, you can't just leave." Adam bites his lip, face scrunched up in thought. "Come on, lie down."
"What?"
"We need to talk, and we're not going to while you're out there. Come in here and let's talk this out."
"Adam-"
"Kris, shut up and get in here already."
With a heavy sigh, Kris wriggles his way in. The two of them shift until they're mostly comfortable, Kris draped across Adam's body, pressed together tightly in the cramped space. He can already feel the tension leaving his body, just from Adam holding him the way he used to; it's relaxing.
"Don't you dare fall asleep. You're not off the hook yet."
"I said I couldn't sleep."
"So you came to me?"
"It always worked before." Kris looked up at him. "Tell me a story. Like you used to when we were in the mansion."
"Kris-"
"Please?" He decides to throw caution to the wind and tell Adam everything. "I need this. I missed you. I missed this." He huddles even closer to Adam, breathing him in.
"I've missed you too." A familiar touch, Adam brushing a kiss against the top of his head. "But you know we can't exactly do this every night anymore. People are going to say something."
Kris snorts. "Like half of the world doesn't think we're screwing already. I need this. I can't sleep without you. It's all moving so fast. You're the only thing that makes me feel like I can stop and just live in the moment; stop worrying about what I have to get done next and breathe."
Adam's arms tighten around him. "I know what you mean. I miss talking to you like this, holding you. It just feels-"
"Right," Kris finishes for him.
They don't speak for a long time, and Adam starts to think Kris has finally fallen asleep when he whispers, "Tell me a story. Please?"
“What about? You’ve heard all the stories I know and all the ones I don’t. There’s very little I haven’t told you.”
“Then make one up. And give it a happy ending.”
“Kris.” A soft sigh, fondness and exasperation mixed together. “Always the idealist.”
“Shut up and tell me my story, Lambert.”
He chuckles. “As you wish.”
~*~
This is how story time makes its triumphant return to Kris and Adam’s nightly rituals. No one else on the bus mentions how conspicuously empty Kris’ bunk is nowadays, or how Adam and Kris always seem to wake up at the same time. If it bothers anyone, they don’t mention it because everyone can see how much more relaxed both of them seem, and no one wants to ruin the peace that’s come over them lately; it’s nice.
It’s nice until they’re at a hotel, curled up together in bed, and Kris makes what seems like an innocent request.
“Tell me a story about love.”
He can feel Adam tense beneath him. “What?”
It’s too close. Too close to a subject they both dance around, because it’s easier to joke and make light of it than to discuss it. It’s easier to pretend it’s no big deal rather than a looming question that hangs over the two of them, always lingering in the air around them but never acknowledged.
“Please?”
Kris is looking up at him with big brown eyes and Adam knows he’s going to give in. He’s always found it hard to deny Kris anything.
“A story about love, hmm?”
“You’re stalling.”
“I’m thinking,” Adam corrects, pursing his lips in concentration. “You gave me too broad of a topic.”
“Then let’s narrow it down to true love.”
“Oh, that makes it so much easier.”
He pinches Adam’s side. “Stop teasing me. Love has too many different categories to break down into. A story about true love, the kind that only comes once in a lifetime, that narrows it down. A lot of people look for true love. Only some find it.”
Too close.
“Are you having a philosophical moment?” The tone’s light and airy, but Kris can feel the tension that’s settled into Adam’s body.
“Maybe?” Kris mumbles, burying his face in Adam’s chest.
“Don’t get all shy on me; I didn’t say it was a bad thing.” A hand tilts his chin up until they’re eye-to-eye. “I’ll tell you a story about finding true love.”
Sometimes, Kris thinks he loves this part more than the actual story. The part before Adam even says anything, when he’s letting the story take shape in his mind. Adam always gets caught up in the story, letting it weave its spell not just on Kris, but himself as well. It entrances him every time.
“Once upon a time, there was a boy. For a long time, he was seen as an outcast, shunned by all others. He kept searching for someone who would take him as he was, but no one wanted him. So he changed. He shed the garments of his old self and donned a new mask. It was still himself, but different. The new him was tougher, less idealistic. Less fragile. And the new him was thought of as beautiful. Where before there had only been empty shadows, there were suddenly masses of people who adored him, constantly vying for his attention.
“Yet he still felt empty. Where had these people been when he was lost and lonely? Where was their supposed love then? Despite the praise he was now receiving, he didn’t feel loved. None of these people would love him if they saw how he truly was. He was still searching for that one person.
“One day, he found them. The boy had almost given up on love by then, but this other boy, this beautiful brown-eyed boy, gave him hope. This boy accepted him without question and made him feel loved. He was kind and generous and unbelievably beautiful. So very beautiful.”
His eyes are locked on Kris’, intense and searching, as Adam’s hand brushes his cheek. He can’t contain the shiver it elicits. The movement makes Adam withdraw his hand, his eyes losing their warmth.
“But the brown-eyed boy wasn’t his to have. He belonged to another. No matter how much they yearned for each other, they both knew it couldn’t be. Not with the way things were. They clung to each other for as long as they could, but eventually, they had to let go.”
They don’t speak for a long time. The silence is charged with questions, but Kris doesn’t think any of them are the right ones to ask. Adam finally breaks it, voice soft and resigned.
“That’s how the story ends, Kris. Even if you find true love, you don’t always get to keep it.”
Kris’ hand finds his, intertwining their fingers. “Do you really believe that?”
Adam brings their joined hands up to his lips, brushing a kiss against Kris’ knuckles. “You can find that someone, and some people are lucky enough to spend the rest of their lives with that person.” He releases his hand from Kris’ grip, smiling sadly. “But most of the time, you don’t get to keep them; they don’t stay with you. Even if you want them to.”
“Adam…”
Before he can think of anything more to say, Adam turns away, his back facing Kris.
“Go to sleep, Kris.”
This is how story time makes its quiet departure from Kris and Adam’s nightly rituals.
~*~
Just as before, everyone notices the change but they don’t mention it. It’s not just the stress getting to everyone, it’s also the tension that’s higher than ever. Adam is irritable and short-tempered, Kris dazed and inattentive. Neither of them are pleasant company; it’s driving everyone insane. The rest of them decide to send Allison in to do damage control.
She gets nowhere with Adam. He simply gives her that smile that means “I love you little sis, but this isn’t something I can tell you” and distracts her with small talk. That smile also means “it’s too painful.”
Kris is the same way. He won’t tell her anything either, skirting around the topic of Adam, no matter how subtle, or unsubtle, an approach Allison attempts.
She’s been at them both for a few days, and the tour’s end is looming in the distance. If she doesn’t get them to fix things, the ending will only be bitter rather than bittersweet.
Finally, she snaps. Unfortunately for Kris, he’s the one she’s talking to at the time.
“Okay, you know what? Fuck this shit. I am done! I get that I’m the one closest to the two of you, but I can’t take it anymore. It’s like talking to two incredibly stupid brick walls!”
“Allison?”
She plops down on the couch next to him, head in her hands. “Everyone can see something’s wrong in Kradamland. They asked me to talk to the two of you to see if I could help you guys fix things, but the two of you are being so damn stubborn and close-mouthed about it that I can’t do shit; I feel so helpless. Something’s wrong with my big brothers and I can’t do anything to help you.”
Kris is pulling her into a hug, and, oh, the irony of him soothing her when he’s the one she’s supposed to be comforting.
“It’s nothing to do with you, Alli. It’s between me and him okay? I love you and so does he, but right now, we’re…having some issues.”
She giggles. “I feel like you’re preparing me for the news that you and Adam are getting a divorce.”
“I was hoping we could tell you together, but since you brought it up,” Kris deadpans, a smile starting to spread across his face.
“This is the first time I’ve seen you smile in a while. I like you better this way. I like Adam better when he’s not pretending to be okay because he doesn’t want me to know how badly he’s hurting.” She kisses his cheek, getting up from the couch and making her way to the door. Allison stops in the doorway, looking back at Kris. “I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you, but I hope you can fix it.”
All he can do is hope for the same thing.
~*~
The clock says 2:13AM.
That gives him four hours, five tops, if he falls asleep right now. His insomnia has returned, worse than ever. Kris stares at the ceiling and feels like the bed is too big for one person.
He needs Adam, but Adam’s still avoiding him.
Ever since he’d asked Adam to tell him a love story, he’d stopped touching Kris the way he used to, all little acts of affection evaporating in the wake of this not-so-new discovery.
Adam loves him and he loves Adam.
What he means when he says that, he’s not entirely sure. He knows what he and Adam have is special, if not exactly definable; labels just confuse everything.
And Kris is very, very confused.
And, oh yeah, he still can’t sleep.
He pulls a pillow on top of his head, using it to muffle his groan. He just wants to sleep and for everything to stop being so damn complicated.
“Kris?”
Great, now he’s hallucinating.
“Kris?”
And hearing loud pounding.
“Kris, open the damn door!”
He stumbles out of bed, opening the door without checking to see who it is. He doesn’t need to; he recognizes Adam’s voice.
Adam looks as bad as Kris thinks he does. While losing sleep had made Kris space out more than usual, it’d made Adam quicker to lash out at people. He looks tired and angry, and Kris just wants to hug him until he stops looking so stressed out and manic.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Kris asks him, managing a smile.
Adam’s looking at him as if he can’t believe Kris is even real. Before he knows what’s happening, Adam is backing him into the room, shutting the door behind him. His knees hit the edge of the bed hard and he sits down, staring up at Adam.
He looks so lost.
Kris’ hand reaches for his, pulling him close until he can lay his head against Adam’s stomach. “I need you.”
He feels Adam’s fingers combing through his hair. “I know.”
Adam’s tugging him back onto his feet and enveloping him in his arms. All the tension that’s built up in the last few days suddenly seems like too much and he’s crying. He’s sobbing into Adam’s chest because being in his arms feels like coming home, and it shouldn’t.
“Oh, Kris, honey, don’t cry. Please don’t cry. I’m here. I’m here and I’m so sorry. I know this hurts you, too. I know it does. But this is all we can have. This is all we can be.”
They’re both crying now, clinging to each other for dear life. Because they know this can’t be anything right now, maybe not ever.
“Why does this have to hurt?”
“Because that’s how life is, Kris. It’s beautiful and terrible all at once.” He cups Kris’ face in his hands until their gazes meet. “Life can lead you to true love and then take it away from you.”
“I don’t want life to take you away from me.”
They both don’t mention her, the woman who’s supposed to be Kris’ true love; the ring on his finger says so.
He tries to pull away from Kris’ hold, but it only makes him tighten his grip on Adam’s waist.
“Stay.”
He does.
~*~
Everyone breathes a collective sigh of relief when they go back to how they were before. Kris and Adam, Adam and Kris, unbelievably close and easily affectionate.
They look the same, they act the same, but there’s something different. It’s not something obvious, most people miss it entirely, but Allison’s always been more attuned to their behavior.
There’s this desperate edge to their interactions now.
The thing is, she knows there’s something special between them. No one can miss the connection they have to each other. The nature of that connection, however, is something no one really agrees on.
People throw around wild theories, but no one really knows what’s going on.
She watches Kris lean his head on Adam’s shoulder, looking more than a little heartbroken. Adam gives him a sad smile, gently kissing Kris’ forehead, pulling him closer to his side.
Allison’s starting to think Adam and Kris don’t know any better than the rest of them.
~*~
The end of the tour keeps getting closer.
It’s easy to forget how fast time is running out for them when they’re in the dark, curled up together, lost in their own little world. They spend their nights talking until they fall asleep, wrapped in each other’s arms.
Adam doesn’t tell any stories and Kris doesn’t ask him to.
Before they know it, it’s the last night, the last concert.
They’re all going their separate ways, this chapter of their lives over. The tour has ended and they have to move on. Move on to what, no one really knows. Fame or obscurity, recording contracts or regular life. Whatever happens when they all part ways, they know that this summer was unforgettable. But they’ll go on with their lives. This experience will soon be another memory, and so will the people they met.
Kris doesn’t want Adam to be only a memory.
He’s dreading the morning because it means saying goodbye. To the tour, to the rest of the Top 10.
To Adam.
They both know it’ll be goodbye. Neither of them want it to be, but they have to let go, because right now, too much is banking on the success of their albums. Too much is weighing on how well their career goes. They’ve both spent too long and worked too hard to lose it now.
Even for each other.
Neither of them are naïve enough to believe that they’d survive the inevitable backlash if anything happened between them now; the world’s too unforgiving for the possibility of ready acceptance to be anything more than a dream.
But Kris wants to know what it’s like to have Adam, to have his heart.
To be completely and utterly his.
He wants to know what it could have been like, if things had been different.
The thought stays with him for days, plaguing his mind constantly. The unknowns keep following Kris until it’s all he can think about. He almost asks Adam several times, but he always bites it back at the last second; he knows Adam doesn’t want to talk about it.
Kris remembers the pain in Adam’s eyes whenever their eyes linger on each other too long and decides to obey his wishes; he never wants to hurt Adam.
But when he settles into Adam’s arms with the staggering realization that this is the last time, the words slip out.
“How would you make love to me?”
He hadn’t meant to just blurt it out like that, but subtlety has never been Kris’ forte, and the want is driving him to what feels like madness. He feels like nothing makes sense anymore.
Nothing but Adam.
Adam is the only thing that feels real, that feels tangible.
It’s flirting with danger. The only thing he’s doing by asking Adam that question is reminding them both of what they can’t have; what they won’t allow themselves to have.
As soon as the words register, Adam recoils from him as if he’s been burned. Kris understands the reaction, but it still stings. He knows Adam can see that too; can read the anguish and the desperation and the overwhelming need in his eyes.
“What the fuck, Kris?”
“Adam…” He tentatively reaches a hand towards him but it only makes Adam scoot further away from him.
“No, Kris, no. I don’t know what you were thinking, but stop it. Just stop it.”
It’s starting to spiral out of control, this precarious balance they have between them. Kris can see it starting to shake under the pressure. It continues to tremble as Adam gets off the bed, making his way to the door that connects their rooms together. He’s not even looking back at Kris, eyes firmly fixed on the door. On escape.
He’s opening the door and Kris knows he’ll lock it behind him, lock Kris away. Adam’s going to lock that door and pretend this never happened. This is going to be the last memory Kris has of him: running away from whatever this is between them, shoulders tight with anger and confusion.
He can’t let it end like this.
“Please.”
He sounds pathetic. He sounds weak and pitiful, but it makes Adam stop in the doorway. Kris hears him take a deep, shuddery breath.
“Why?”
Adam still isn’t looking at him, but at least he’s stopped moving.
“I don’t know.”
He cuts Kris off with a harsh laugh. Kris has rarely heard that laugh in all the time he’s known Adam. After the pictures leaked, after Allison got sent home. It’s never a good thing when that laugh leaves his lips. It’s an ugly sound, so incongruous with the Adam he knows and loves.
“You don’t know? You fucked up the last night we had together and you don’t even know why? That’s great, Kris. That’s fan-fucking-tastic.”
“Please don’t do this.”
“Fuck, Kris.” He watches Adam’s hand clench on the doorknob. “This was only working because we weren’t thinking about it. I can’t do this, Kris, I can’t. Don’t ask me to think about something we both know can’t happen.”
Adam starts when warm arms wrap around his waist, a small body fitting itself against his back. Kris always fit perfectly against him.
“I know it was stupid. I know I’m only making this worse. But please don’t leave. Please. Don’t make this the last thing I’ll have to remember you by. I don’t care if you never talk to me again after tonight, but don’t make my last memory of you a painful one.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” Adam turns in Kris’ hold, gripping him in a tight hug. “This doesn’t have to be goodbye.”
“I thought I was the idealist.”
“It doesn’t. We can still be friends, Kris. We can still be in each other’s lives.”
“Really? Do you honestly think that at some point, it wouldn’t be too much? That we wouldn’t lose control?”
“We haven’t yet.”
Kris scoffs. “I asked you how you’d screw me. I think that counts as losing control.”
“I was hoping you’d forgotten about that.”
“Well, I didn’t.” Kris wriggles out of Adam’s arms, putting some space between them. “We can’t keep dancing around the subject forever, Adam. We’re in love. Somehow, somewhere, in the middle of all this insanity, we fell in love.”
“How do you know it’s love?”
“Don’t lie to me. I know you’re trying to protect me, protect yourself, but this isn’t the time for that. We’re too far gone for salvation.”
Kris doesn’t know where he found the nerve to do it, but he’s kissing Adam. His hands find their way to Adam’s face, pulling him close until their lips meet for a brief moment. It’s short and chaste, but it makes him feel more vulnerable and alive than any other kiss he’s ever had.
Their eyes fall shut, and when Kris finally finds the strength to open his, Adam is staring at him in a way he hasn’t before; he looks broken.
“God, Kris, I can’t do this. Don’t make me.”
Kris is closing the gap between them again, this time just to hold him close. Adam’s trembling. Kris is starting to regret pushing this. Maybe Adam’s right. It’s better if they don’t talk about this; it's too dangerous.
“I’m so sorry, Adam.”
Too painful.
Kris feels Adam’s tears seep into his neck, tracing their way from his face to Kris’.
Too heartbreaking.
“It’s too much, baby. It’s easier not to face this. I’m not brave enough for that.”
“You’re one of the bravest people I know.”
A brittle laugh. “Then you must know a lot of cowards.”
“Don’t say that! You’re fearless.”
“More like I’m good at acting like I am.” He pulls away from Kris, making his way into his mostly untouched hotel room. “I’m only fearless when it comes to the music, Kristopher. When it comes to my heart, I’m far less daring.”
“Adam-”
“I don’t want to get my heart broken again, Kris, and that’s where this is heading: heartbreak. If we did anything, after everything’s said and done, you get to go home to your wife and forget all about me. I don’t have anyone to go home to.”
Adam’s collapsed onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. Kris is lingering in the doorway, watching him from across the room.
“You have Drake.”
“You know that isn’t serious. That’s nothing like what you have. You have something permanent. You get to leave me and still have someone. This isn’t fair to me, Kris. Or to Katy.”
“I know,” he whispers, voice hoarse and raw, “that this isn’t fair to anyone. She’s all I’ve ever known, Adam. She’s been there almost my entire life. I don’t know anything else.”
Adam’s hands find their way to his eyes, tears retracing earlier paths on his face. “I don’t need to hear this.”
He can feel the bed shifting under Kris’ weight. He moves his hand away from his face and Kris is sitting right there, watching him. His fingers trace the tear tracks on Adam’s cheeks.
“Let me finish. I thought I loved her. I mean, I do love her. But it’s nothing like the way I love you. And if what I feel for you isn’t what being in love is supposed to be, then I don’t know what is.”
“If you can define it, it isn’t love.”
“Don’t quote yourself at me. I never said I could define it. I just said that if this feeling - this wonderful, terrible, crazy feeling - isn’t love, then nothing is.”
Adam doesn’t say anything, just watches Kris with wary eyes.
“I know this isn’t fair to anyone. I know I could screw everything up if I keep pushing this. But this is the last time we’re going to be stuck in the Idol bubble. After this, we have to face reality, or whatever the equivalent of that is now. I don’t want to leave without knowing what we could have been.” Kris lies down, putting his weight on his right arm as he hovers over Adam. “Even if it’s just this once.”
Adam’s eyes flutter shut and Kris moves in, so close to kissing him again, when they pop back open.
“No.”
Kris’ mouth moves into a hard line, but there’s understanding in his eyes. “Okay.” He gets up from the bed and starts walking towards the door.
He’s already starting to pull it closed when Adam jerks the door back open.
“You don’t even want to know why?”
“I don’t need any other reason than that this isn’t what you want. That’s good enough for me.”
Kris is looking at the floor instead of him so Adam cups his face in his hands, forcing their eyes to meet.
“I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything else in my entire life, and that includes a music career.”
“Then why are you pushing me away?”
“Because I don’t want to ruin things for you.”
Kris’ face scrunches up in confusion. “What?”
“If I let myself have you, I wouldn’t be able to stop at one time. I’d want to keep you forever, and I know I can’t.”
This time, it’s Adam who initiates the kiss and it’s the total opposite of their first in every way except for how it makes him feel. It’s rough and just this side of too much, Adam’s hands sliding into his hair, under his shirt, clutching at the soft skin beneath his fingers. One of his hands is on Kris’ hip and it makes him arch into Adam, muffling his moan with Adam’s mouth. They’re both gasping for air afterward; Kris’ lips feel tender and swollen.
“If things were different, I’d let you have me for forever.”
Adam leans his forehead against Kris’ and sighs softly. “If.”
They reluctantly pull away and Adam reaches for the doorknob, slowly moving the door closed. Neither of them say anything. They don’t need words; they never have. Their eyes lock, sharing a sad smile for all the maybes and almosts between them.
So many possibilities.
The door clicks shut and they both fall into a fitful sleep, on opposite sides of the door.
~*~
The next morning, it’s as if nothing has changed. They’re still Kris and Adam, Adam and Kris, unbelievably close and easily affectionate.
Except everything has changed.
It’s harder to ignore the feelings now than it was before, after having a taste of what it could be like. They store them away and pretend everything is fine.
But Kris is a terrible liar and Adam hates lying.
After singing at the Ford event, they mutually decide to keep their distance for a while.
It’s easier on both of them to forget.
But just because something is easy, it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. Watching Adam leave is like losing a part of himself.
He keeps telling himself that this is for the best. He keeps telling himself that it’s better this way.
Kris is a terrible liar.
End.
